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I wasn’t planning to go up with a new post so soon, but I am so pissed off right now. This is by no means a promise of speedy posts in the future.

Previous NAME THAT NARRATOR! answers:
Quote 1:
“When he touches me, it stings my hand as if an electrical current is passing through us.”
-Bella Swan, Twilight

Quote 2:
“Our fingers brush very briefly, and the current is there again, zapping through me like I’ve touched an exposed wire.”
-Ana Steele, Fifty Shades of Grey

This, this is why I am so pissed: Chapter 4, or as I like to call it

areyoukiddingme

For this chapter, I don’t even have to quote the book. Edward tries to warn Bella that he’s no good for her, but she’s still intrigued by him. Later, while Bella is in Port Angeles with friends, she gets separated and is nearly assaulted by a group of strangers. To her surprise and relief, Edward arrives just in time to save the day. She insists on going back to meet her friends so that they don’t worry. Edward wants her to eat something, and instructs her to drink some soda so that she doesn’t go into shock (I’m not sure if soda prevents shock..). After dinner, he takes her back home.

Oh, shit. I’m sorry, most of that happened in Chapter 8 of Twilight. In Chapter 4 of 50shades, Christian warns Ana that he’s no good for her, but she’s still intrigued by him. Later, Ana heads to the club with some friends to celebrate the end of finals. Once good and drunk, she goes outside alone to get some air and is nearly assaulted by her friend José (flip: it’s a close friend rather than total strangers). Christian, whom she had called earlier and whom she knew was on his way, arrives in time to stare down José and watch Ana get violently ill, much to her dismay (flip: she knew he was coming, and she didn’t want him there). After she’s done upchucking in the roses, Ana insists upon going inside to tell Kate what’s up so that she won’t worry. Christian forces Ana to chug a glass of water (why, I’m not sure, but it seems like a bad fucking idea seeing as how much she just threw up). Ana blacks out when they are about to leave.

So there you have it. It’s the same fucking thing. RAEG!!!!!!

Aside from all of that, there’s this problem: how does a girl who claims to have never before gotten drunk throw down at least one glass of champagne, five margaritas, and a beer, and still walk? I call shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!!! Granted, she does end up puking it all up, but still. No freaking way she could hold that much liquor and be coherent if this were her first heavy drinking experience.

This is what really happens after the fifth margarita.

This is what really happens after the fifth margarita.

NAME THAT NARRATOR!
Quote 1:
“He notices my dizziness and grabs me before I fall and hoists me into his arms, holding me close to his chest like a child.”

Quote 2:
“He leans forward and reaches out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of my arms like I was a toddler.”

So next is Chapter 5, also known as the chapter where Ana thinks “Oh no” every five seconds.

Nothing to do with plagiarism, but holy shit you guys, this: “The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst quenching and refreshing. Nothing beats freshly squeezed orange juice for reviving an arid mouth.”

1) You just woke up in a near-stranger’s bed after blacking out, and you are waxing poetic about the orange juice?

2) When I wake up from a bender, I can’t taste a damned thing except regret and bile. But EL, I’m sure the orange growers of America thank you for the shout-out.

Orange juice? I hate it.

Orange juice? I hate it.

Okay, moving on, there’s a little banter where Ana tells Christian that he talks like a medieval person, but duh! he has to be just like Edward in all things not sexual. And they banter some more, and Christian has to remind Ana to breathe, because Bella is always getting dazzled by Edward and forgetting to breathe, and please for the love of God can these characters figure out how to not be Bella and Edward???

The eating thing… Let me go ahead and get this out of the way. In Twilight, Edward is a vampire, so he kind of doesn’t eat human food. You know, ever. Bella pretty much forgets everything (like how to breathe…) when she’s with Edward, so he makes it a point to remind her to eat. He wants to show that he’s considerate and he understands that she has needs different than his own, so on and so forth. Christian is constantly telling/forcing Ana to eat because he’s a fucking control freak. He even admits that he always wants to be in control.

Eat! You must eat!!!

Eat! You must eat!!!

You know what would be nice, kind, and loving of a boyfriend/husband? Here’s an example:
My husband: Hey, do you want something to eat?
Me: No thanks, I’m good.
My husband: Okay.
OR:
My husband: Hey, do you want something to eat?
Me: Sure, can you bring me a snack?
My husband: Okay.

But because Edward is obsessed with making sure Bella eats, so must Christian be.

Now, a note from Bug that’s not about plagiarism, but about this crazy shit in general:

“‘…he’s not a dark knight at all, but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor – a classic, romantic hero – Sir Gawain or Lancelot.’

NO YOU STUPID BITCH HE’S A CONTROLLING STALKING ASSHOLE YOU JUST SAID SO YOURSELF”

And here’s my take on that same scene:

sodumb

OMG and this also has nothing to do with plagiarism, but Bug and I had this conversation and I can’t keep it to myself:

Bug: “..he arches an eyebrow at me, his eyes twinkling, and suddenly I feel that we’re talking about something else, but I don’t know what it is…”
OMG he used the Confundus Charm on you!
Kody: I can’t even make sounds I’m laughing so hard
B: HE’S A DARK WIZARD, ANA, LOOK OUT!
K: Shit!
B: I’m sorry I even mixed Harry Potter into this mess.
K: Oh ma belly
No more laughs
B: Although I must admit, if he can cast non-verbal spells and charms, that makes him better at magic than Harry for like 90% of those books. WHOA.
K: Don’t go there man. Don’t do that.
He uses a wand…
B: Dicks don’t count!

Okay, moving back to the plagiarism… Christian talks some more about ‘I’m no good for you but I can’t help but be drawn to you’ crap.

Oh, oh!! NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! Part 2: Edward vs. Christian

Quote 1:
“I’m finding it impossible to stay away.”

Quote 2:
“I’m tired of trying to stay away from you.”

Okay, this line: “I gasp and swallow at the same time.” Please, Ana? Please do that? I’m sure it will work out really great for you if you actually gasp and swallow at the same time.

…..more chapter
…..more chapter
…..how can breakfast take up a whole fucking chapter?!?

I have to assume the “I’ve never slept with someone” bit about Christian is the closest James could get to the “I can’t sleep” bit from Edward.

Then they kiss in the elevator. Bug thought it was kinda hot. I wasn’t impressed, but to each her own.

Parting comments:

My friends, I’m a writing tutor. I get paid to help people become better writers. I cannot believe that I have locked myself into reading this book.

__________________________
Closing Notes:

If you want to follow the train wreck that is 50shades to its illogical conclusion without melting your eyeballs, follow the blog of @Jenny_Trout.

If you see abuse in 50shades, or want to understand what domestic violence survivors are talking about, @EmmaTofi, @katjevanloon, and @Sageling are putting together a blogring with links to stories, articles, and other posts of interest.

You can also follow @50shadesabuse on twitter.

If you want just a regular, real world example of BDSM (not the misrepresentation of it as seen in 50shades), check out the blog of @itsjustahobby. *Not safe for work*

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