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Like before, these chapters are going to be a fair amount of commentary mixed in with just a touch of plagiarism. Well, except for the parts where ELJ lifted entire scenes again and plunked them in the middle of the “romantic” weekend. I bet she thought I wouldn’t notice.

If at times my writing seems distracted, I’m watching Hellboy. And well, I’m sorry, but it’s a whole lot more interesting than 50shades, and Red just saved a box of kittens, and that’s awesome.

Also, big news! Early next week, Bug is taking over the blog for her notes on Chapter 13, otherwise known as the chapter of “GET AWAY” red flags. In this chapter, Bug claims that the book lost any and every right to call itself a romance novel. So we’ll be seeing that soon. Now, onward towards 50shades of Theft!

First order of business as always, NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! answers:

Quote 1:
“I prefer brunettes.” ~Edward Cullen, Twilight

Quote 2:
“I like brunettes.” ~Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey

Chapter 9

So we open up the chapter with the double exposure of, “Wow, what a view.” Get it? Because she looks out of the window at Seattle and it’s a wonderful view, and then she sees him sleeping and, OMG you guys, it’s such a wonderful view! Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little…

She thinks about waking him up, but then she decides not to, because he’s easier to handle asleep. “I don’t have to worry about what I’m saying, what he’s saying, what plans he has, especially his plans for me.”
Okay, she dreads waking him because of how he will treat her, and women of the world think this is romance???

Of course, upon waking she immediately has to go to the bathroom, and that might be one of the very few things this book actually got right. Looking in the mirror, the good old subconscious puts in her two cents. “ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me.” So far, I’m a fan of the subconscious, even though if it really were her subconscious, she wouldn’t be able to, you know, consciously hear it…

“I wince as I look in the mirror. I am going to have to process all this.”

Then fucking go home and process it.

But Bella has to go cook.

“It takes me a few seconds to deduce that I have to push the cupboard doors to open them.” Cabinets aren’t difficult, they don’t usually require much deduction to open.

This picture... This is possibly my favorite picture ever...

This picture… This is possibly my favorite picture ever…

So, you guys who’ve read Twilight remember when James called Bella from her mother’s house, but Alice was listening, so Bella had to talk super discreetly..? Well, Kate calls Ana during breakfast.

“ ‘Hi.’ I wander over to the glass doors of the balcony, away from him.
‘Ana, why didn’t you text last night?’ She’s angry.
‘I’m sorry, I was overtaken by events.’
‘You’re okay?’
‘Yes, I’m fine.’
‘Did you?’ She’s fishing for information. I roll my eyes at the expectation in her voice.
‘Kate, I don’t want to talk over the phone.’ Christian glances up at me.
‘You did… I can tell.’
How can she tell? She’s bluffing, and I can’t talk about this. I’ve signed a damned agreement.
‘Kate, please.’
‘What was it like? Are you okay?’
‘I’ve told you I’m okay.’
‘Was he gentle?’
‘Kate, please!’ I can’t hide my exasperation.
‘Ana, don’t hold out on me, I’ve been waiting for this day for nearly four years.’
‘I’ll see you this evening.’ I hang up.

And okay, I hear you, it could just be a coincidence. But what was that I said the other day? Once or twice, sure, fine! Coincident away! But over and over and over… Bullshit that’s a coincidence. ELJ has a Twi-line taped above her keyboard.

Then there’s some bathtub sexy times, but unfortunately Ana doesn’t drown when she goes down on him. And this:

bathtime

And then Chapter 10 happens, because every twenty-seven year-old single man’s mother just walks in unannounced on the weekend. (-or- How many plot holes can this book really have?)

“I walk as nonchalantly back to Christian and his mother.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What..? Does that sentence even make sense? Is everybody’s copy this jacked up? This was published and printed?! Damn this piece of shit.

Okay, I’m okay, let’s keep going.

Soon, Ana realizes that the two of them have different expectations about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior, but she totally isn’t bothered by this. Or is she?

“I can’t talk to him if he is so open one minute and so standoffish the next.” And, “Me, defying him… how?”

So maybe she is bothered by this. But she doesn’t act on her gut feeling about him, and we’re stuck with more of her mindless musings.

Then they get into yet another Audi and Christian plugs in some tunes, and then says this shit: “Gotta love Bruce.” No, bitch, learn some respect and call him The Boss. (I mean, for fuck’s sake, I’m not even a Springsteen fan for real, and I know this shit. ELJ, pull your head out of your ass and Google “American idioms and expressions” because it’s reached a point where, to me, everyone in this book sounds like Pip from South Park.)

Here’s another example: “‘Oh.’ I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?”
Wtf do you know? Who the hell eats brownies with a cherry on top. Get your damned colloquialisms straight, ELJ.

Okay, soon they are sitting down to a fairly private meal in a restaurant. And the waitress is obviously interested in Christian, though he totally ignores her. And they surreptitiously talk details about things that absolutely must not be overheard even though THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RESTAURANT.

You guys. This is the exact scene in Twilight that immediately follows the almost assault on Bella in Port Angeles. The only difference is, in Twilight they are talking about mind reading, the fact that Edward can’t read Bella’s mind, and “theories,” and in 50shades they are talking about kinky vs. vanilla sex and the fact that Christian was sexually abused when he was a teenager.

(Okay, for those who are like, “Guh! He was fifteen, that’s old enough for sex!” NO. If you are fifteen experimenting around with another fifteen or sixteen year old, okay, fine, whatever, we were all teenagers at one point. But FUCKING NO! He was fifteen and made to bend his will to a woman more than twice his age. Fuck that noise, that is sexual abuse of a minor.)

Moving on, Ana thinks some more about how much she really disagrees with Christian’s plans for their possible future relationship.

“This is what it will be like if I sign, him ordering me around. I frown.” WARNING BELLS!!!

“ ‘And what’s more, you’ll want me to,’ he adds, his voice low.
I sincerely doubt that.” BITCH, WARNING BELLS!!!

But really all she says about her feelings is, “I’m glad you can’t read my mind.” And I’m all like

RAEG!!!!!!!!!

RAEG!!!!!!!!!

because 1) she shouldn’t be hiding these thoughts, she should be heeding them and getting the hell out of there and 2) the only reason that shit is really in there is because of the whole “Edward-mind-reading-but-Bella-immune” thing going on in Twilight, in this very scene, as previously mentioned.

Okay, eventually they get back to Portland, or Vancouver; seriously, what city does she live in? Because Christian clearly said before that he was driving her back to Portland, and I am so damned confused and I just want to throw a map at these idiots. I get that these cities are close to each other, but… If they are driving from Seattle to her home in Vancouver, WA, where she said she lives, how the hell does Portland come into the picture? It’s on the other side of the river! (You know how I know this? Because when I read a story that is set somewhere I’m not familiar with, I look it up on a map. Surely a writer could be bothered to do the same.)

And finally, a part of the book that I actually kind of like: “ ‘Oh… by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.’ I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. Christian’s mouth drops open, shocked.” This is seemingly the only section where Ana and Christian act like two twenty-somethings who just started dating. REALISM. Too bad it starts and ends right there.

But of course, BellaAna has to have the phone conversation where JacobJosé grovels apologetically, although when Jacob was all “ohmigosh so sorry!” I was all like “aww,” but when José is all “Dios Mio! Ana!” whiney, I’m all like “dude, just STFU, she’s not into you.”

So here you go: NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! Jacob vs. José, re: why do you love him and not me?

Quote 1:
“Is it the money, then?”

Quote 2:
“Is it the money?”

(So, good luck with that.)

And then their conversation turns to, “I know, Ana. I just thought, if I kissed you, it might change how you feel.” Sorry Jacob it doesn’t work that way, but I’m sure you’ll keep trying.

And then a little bit more bullshit happens, but who gives a damn, because no matter how many times Ana questions this relationship with Christian, we all know she’s going to stick it out until the end. How do we know? Because it’s a trilogy. And I’ve only just wrapped up chapter 10 of the first one. FML.

__________________________
Closing Notes:

Follow us on twitter @aka_kody @BexlyP

If you want to follow the train wreck that is 50shades to its illogical conclusion without melting your eyeballs, follow the blog of @Jenny_Trout.

If you see abuse in 50shades, or want to understand what domestic violence survivors are talking about, @EmmaTofi, @katjevanloon, and @Sageling are putting together a blogring with links to stories, articles, and other posts of interest.

You can also follow @50shadesabuse on twitter.

If you want just a regular, real world example of BDSM (not the misrepresentation of it as seen in 50shades), check out the blog of @itsjustahobby. *Not safe for work*

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